My Immortal- Read by someone who just can't
by HellzAngels
Summary: Whats been described as one of the world worst fan fiction, with horrible writing, grammar, characters and plot (If you can call it that) commentated by a person who has no time for the stupid... Enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

**If you couldn't guess my reviewing is in bold.**

Chapter 1

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) **(First it's spell gothic, second that's not witty, just dumb)** 2 **(Text talk and numbers, fucking great, clearly this is going to be some Shakespeare style work!) **my gf (ew not in that way)**(Ew? So cute if its boys, Ew if its girls?)** raven, bloodytearz666**(Bet you she has a myspace!)** 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. **(Clearly not good enough help) **U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life **(Oh god you're one of THOSE goths.)** u rok 2! MCR ROX! **(I like the band, but I still don't like you.)**

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Hi my name is Ebony **(To be fair I've heard dumber)** Dark'ness **(Oh here we fucking go) **Dementia **(What even is this!)** Raven **(Because you're name wasn't long enough…)** **(Also what's with the two words in one names describing the colour black, I know you have the bird but I doubt that's why she chose this) **Way **(Well that name went downhill)** and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) **(Wow fucking deep) **with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes **(No one just has eyes anymore do they?)** like limpid tears **(That line is completely unoriginal) **and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee**(Very few girls are actually that fucking beautiful)** (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). **(hm, judge much?)** I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was **(Reality check, if you were related to him you couldn't fuck him, which I'm assuming is what you want. Why do so many fangirls want to be related to the man they want to screw, do they not realise incest is illegal and morally frowned upon? That said, incest may explain how said author came about…)** because he's a major fucking hottie.**(Not that you're going to be a shallow main character or anything…)** I'm a vampire **(Well that came out of nowhere? Why? How? Is that even possible in the Harry Potter canon? You can't just casually throw that out there!) **but my teeth are straight and white.**(You know I like how you can be creative and change features of typical horror monsters, but the teeth seemed pretty fucking vital to what a vampire is!)** I have pale white skin.**(Of course, coz your oh so goffic!)** I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England **(don't say that to the Scottish, they hate us enough already without being called English!)**where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell)**(Because you were oh so fucking subtle about it!)** and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic**(Yeh, you know I've never been to one in my entire life! Why do people just assume Hot Topic is the only place that's sells rock stuff? Hell Primark sells GnR shirts for Christ sakes!)** and I buy all my clothes from there. **(Expensive habit) **For example today I was wearing a black corset **(of course) **with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt,**(It has to be mini)** pink fishnets and black combat boots.**(This going to be a thing isn't it?)** I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation,**( I thought you were already pale?)** black eyeliner and red eye shadow.**(Well that was riveting, though please, you didn't tell us how you styled you're hair today!)** I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about.**(Ah yes, happy that the rain was destroying your makeup, while snow covered you're clothes making them wet through.)** A lot of preps stared at me. **(Probably thinking who wears a fucking miniskirt when its raining!)**I put up my middle finger at them.**(Bit of a harsh reaction,t hey didn't do anything!)**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!**(Oh fuck no!)**

"What's up Draco?" I asked. **(Oh he's probably crying when girls hit him, being an overall scum bag and horrible creature all round. Seriously why do girls like him?)**

"Nothing." he said shyly. **(ohh I wonder where this could be going?)**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **(Bit rude)**

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AN: IS it good? **(No.)**PLZ tell me fangz!**(Again, not funny or witty…)**


	2. Chapter 2

**I Sorted it! :D**

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><p>Chapter 2.<p>

AN: Fangz**(Not funny)** 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! **(Clearly not enough help)** BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!** (So just because someone is flaming you're story, doesn't mean they're a prep! Secondly, there is more than just Goths and preps in this fucking world! Thirdly, I doubt it's flaming, because that implies the bad review are either wrong, mean or unnecessary, I doubt they're all like that, most are just being truthful. Finally, the fucking word is OKAY no OK!)**

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again.** (Let me guess, it made the little emo happy, oh I'm sorry, 'GOFF')** I opened the door of my coffin**(Of course you sleep in a fucking coffin, you could keep THAT part of the vampire shit, but not the teeth! Even though ditching the coffin would make more sense!)** and drank some blood from a bottle I had.** (Again you spend ages on your clothing but you just casually throw this out! No! This isn't normal for the canon! Where did she get the blood? Does she even need the blood? I mean if you don't have fangs one assumes blood is a luxury not necessity! Explain people, explain!)** My coffin was black ebony**(Black ebony, little redundant and a little overuse of Ebony but I'll let it slide)** and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends.** (This was vital to scene setting or informing the audience or setting atmosphere how? Oh yeh it wasn't…)** I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas.** (There are other and better bands than MCR)** Instead, I put on a black leather dress**(Oh here we go again…)**, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on.(** What is it with you and fishnets?)** I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) **(Oh joy, more people to self-insert, oh how I love more under thought, bland and Lil' miss perfect characters!) **woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes.** (Again, they just can't be normal green can they?)** She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets**(Fucking fishnets!)** and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)** (You put on the same fucking makeup each time! We don't need descriptions every time you do it!)**

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room **(Again, why does everyone want to be Slytherin? That's the dorm filled with jackass's that all eventually get defeated and fucking sent to a dungeon in the last movie!)**and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.** I (Jesus it was justa question love! Seriously if I was Willow I would've punched you by now)**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.** to (Oh is this going to be as good as the last four sentences you spoke to each other!)**

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily.

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked**.(Well, this is all very interesting…)**

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.** (Oh she does know other bands, also are Good Charlotte wizards? Really? You're going with that?)**

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed.**(Do you possess volume control?)** I love GC.** (Of course you do)** They are my favorite band, besides MCR.** (Seriously there's MCR fanfiction that mentions MCR less than this!)**

"Well….**(Three dots not four, basic grammar)** do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped.** (Oh what a cliff hanger, who knows what she's going to say?)**


End file.
